Measure Your Relationship
Tools for seeing and being seen

Relationship Skills:

On a one to ten scale, measure your effectiveness in each of the following relationship skills. If you have a partner, have them measure you as well and notice how similar your findings are. If your partner is willing, invite them to do the same.

Energy Sensitivity:

  • Do you pick up on other’s non verbal feelings empathically?
  • Are you psychic and/or very intuitive?
  • Do the words “heart orgasm” make any sense to you?
  • Does your touch sooth other’s tender emotions?
  • Do you know what other’s want non verbally?
  • Do you see auras?


  • Can you listen for a long time and track all that has been said?
  • Can you be empathic even when you strongly disagree with what your partner is saying?
  • Can you feed back what your partner says accurately?
  • Is your tone of voice reassuring?
  • Do you make sounds or movements that show you are present?
  • Are you able to stay interested in another’s heart share?
  • Are you able to refrain from inappropriate interruptions?
  • Do you enjoy listening?

  • Are you able to frame your thoughts in words easily?
  • Are you comfortable speaking in front of groups?
  • Is your voice dynamic and engaging?
  • Are your gestures engaging and respectful of other’s boundaries?
  • Are you able to maintain awareness of your audience?
  • Do others understand what you say easily?
  • Can you pause when others are overwhelmed by your words and include them?
  • Are you able to distinguish between a feeling and a thought (“I feel angry” is a feeling “I feel like you are doing X” is a thought not a feeling)?
  • Are you able to make I statements most of the time?

Honoring Boundaries:

  • Do you know what your boundaries are?
  • Are you able to articulate them?
  • Do you tell people what your boundaries are ahead of time so they can respect them?
  • Are you able to assert your boundaries easily when people cross them?
  • Are you able to hear a request?
  • Do you remember other’s stated boundaries?
  • Do you ask people before you cross questionable lines?
  • Do you ask permission before bringing up sensitive issues?
  • Do you ask permission before touching someone who has not invited that?
  • Do you ask permission before borrowing/touching other’s things?

Are You Comfortable Feeling and Expressing Your Emotions?

  • Anger?
  • Envy?
  • Rage?
  • Disgust?
  • Hate?
  • Cynical Humor?
  • Playful Humor?
  • Hurt?
  • Fear?
  • Humiliation?
  • Shame?
  • Grief?
  • Sadness?
  • Quiet Joy?
  • Loud Joy?
  • Happiness?
  • Pleasure?
  • Peace?
  • Passionate love?
  • Compassionate love?
  • Protective love?
  • Generous love?
  • Selfish love?
  • Physical desire?
  • Possessive love?
  • Unconditional love?
  • Friendship love?

Interactive Awareness:

  • Do you have good body coordination?
  • Are you a safe driver?
  • Are you good at multitasking?
  • Are you present when you are with another?
  • Are you sensitive to what is appropriate in groups?
  • Is your humor well received?
  • Do naturally care about the well being of all of the members of the groups you belong to?
  • Are you able to negotiate your own needs in a group setting?
  • Do others feel safe around you physically and emotionally?

Self Awareness:

  • Do you have a sense of who you are, independent of who you are with?
  • Do you know your weak points in life and relationship?
  • Are you at peace with your potential to cause great harm?
  • Do you know when you are triggered?
  • Do you know your strengths and gifts in life?
  • Do you have a sense of your inner beauty independent of your behavior?

Self Care:

  • When you are triggered can you consciously step back and tend to your own needs?
  • Can you put your emotional and physical well being above the needs of others when it feels right?
  • Do you appreciate yourself and see your own beauty?
  • Do you care well for your body’s daily needs?
  • Do you care for your long term health?


  • Are you able to design and hold a space for both you and your partner based on what is needed at the time for energy to flow?
  • Can you consciously create your own fun and bring that to your partner?
  • Are you aware of the gifts and price of your choices and are you creating the life you want with that awareness?
  • Do you take responsibility for winning?
  • Do you trust yourself more than your partner?
  • Can you consciously create the relationships you want?